the second man that i met was a complete flight of fancy.
i can’t even think about this one without my mind wandering off into dirty little day dreams. he reached out to me with a simple introduction… Hi I’m Dave.
for the record… i’m pretty sure he didn’t give me his real name, but i am changing it here.
the conversation was innocent to start… but quickly turned in a direction i hadn’t anticipated. sex. this guy is married. has been for 15 years. has a couple kids. but his wife is, for what might be very serious reasons, no longer interested in sex. according to him, it’s a quarterly thing at best.
right off the bat, he’s married so i’m out. but there is something about him that is calm and gentle. so i immediately thing he is just trying to get into my house so he can murder me and steal my flat screen after the deed is done.
i’m sure this is a normal reaction any sane girl would have, so i suggest a first meeting to be a tour of the police station. i am pretty sure this is an excellent idea all around — potential suitors know i’m not going to put up with any funny business and i get to know my local police officers… win win.
now, i really don’t know what i was thinking. when i started on plenty of fish, i said to myself that i wouldn’t say no until it was determined that it was time. it should have been no to start with this one, but something keeps me talking to him. and i eventually give him my number.
that same day i had two pics of his situation and i gotta say … i don’t know why his wife is turning him away. and i agree to meet him for a drink over lunch one friday. at this point, i’m studying him. he’s an enigma to me — i need to lay my eyes on him so that i can try to get a better understanding of what’s really going on here.
he arrives. it’s his day off. he’s nervous. shorts and a tshirt. but appears to be a normal guy. loves his kids. goes hiking and repelling, there is a specialty shoe manufacturer in my town that he wants to go on his way back — they have an open house on certain days of the month and it just so happens that day is today.
he seems sweet and genuine … but without an outlet for his sexual energy. he offers to follow me home from the bar and strip for me.
i tell him i need to talk with my therapist about it first. ha!
anyways, the communication fell off as i had to tell him that i didn’t feel comfortable with it given his situation. but i still think about him… and kept his pictures.
suitor: Well, we can hangout a little, and see what happens? I’m hoping you say yes, because i really have a thing for older women, they know what they want and what they like, and are not immature by any means.
me: hm… interesting proposition, but i am going to have to decline your offer intriguing as it is… :) good luck to you, Richard!
suitor: Please consider :). I’d like to meet with you, and give you a nice hug, a kiss, and see how the day plays out hanging out, cuddling, watching movies :]
suitor: I’d love to even get more intimate with you, if you’d allow it :]…
I have mentioned my partial disability in an earlier post; basically, I had an automobile accident when I was 18 which pretty much mangled up my right ankle along with damaging both of my knees to some degree. Fast forward 25+ years and my ankle has fused itself; I walk on my toes…
my online dating profile was inspired by a friend. he had recently starting dating someone that he was introduced to by someone from work, and I had been lamenting his good fortune and whining that I might be alone forever.
he suggested online dating which I immediately scoffed at. through the course of the conversation I confessed my secret, that I have never been in a long term relationship. and at 36, this is somewhat of a shock for most other grown ups. I have a lot of insecurities about it actually and feel like I need to date people… just for practice. to figure out what I really want in a relationship. to get comfortable with all the different types of interactions you might have with a man again. to get comfortable with myself as a human meeting another human.
so he tries again… Well why not just put up a profile to get some practice?
dang. hard to argue with that. so I went home that night and just did it. it was a Tuesday night. for some reason, I am going to share the link to my profile. if you know any eligible bachelors that may be interested, please send them along.
much to my surprise, within 24 hours I was on my first meet and greet non-date date. a guy in town who’s profile seemed interesting had reached out, we exchanged a few notes, and then he got right to the point…. an exact transcript follows…
“Why don’t we meet for coffee today when you get off work… This is not a date… I find the only way to know if you want to date someone is to meet face to face… It does not matter how many emails you send back and forth… What do you think? Wii do live in the same town :-)”
so I met him after work and before class. he looked like his pictures and seemed nice. though I could tell he was studying me. why hadn’t I had a long term relationship? He thought I seemed normal and perfectly reasonable. I have a masters in engineering and a professional job. Own my own home and car. He couldn’t figure out what was wrong… And questioned whether I might be asexual… probably not the best first non-date date move. though he did quickly rule it out… why would I be on a dating website if I were asexual?
for whatever reason, his interest in documentaries and the idea that he may think about things just for fun was enough for me to agree to a real date. which occurred that weekend. the plan was to meet at a Thai restaurant in town. and I was actually nervous. a girl friend of mine reminded me that this was a first date and I should probably spiff it up a bit.
I wore a dress, put on some make up, and drove myself over there to be greeted by a guy who was late wearing cargo shorts and two tshirts. which, I guess is kind of a californian style, but then I felt silly for being nervous and getting dressed up. dinner was ok, but there wasn’t much spark. we went dutch on the meal. and I haven’t heard from him since.
Opening your heart and being courageous and telling people that you care about them or like them or that you think they’re special only makes you a better, bigger, kinder, softer, more loving person and only attracts more love in your life.
it’s a wonder to me how people grow and evolve. or don’t.
i think i like to think of myself as someone who pushes beyond her boundaries, works for new achievements, continues to learn and evolve. at one point in my life i would say that statement was true, possibly limited only to the career spoke on my wheel of life, but true none the less as things in one area of a life tend to spill over and have effects on the others.
but lately. possibly for a great long while, i’m not sure that was true. somehow i had boxed myself in.
recently — and let’s be honest, who knows how long this will last — i started poking out the walls of my own box. a box i perceived that someone else built of course. i may not have fully realized that it was my own box until just this second as i write this.
at any rate, in february i confessed a crush to a boy i have been crushing on for years. as expected, there was no return of affection, but the act of releasing the information was like poking a hole in a dam. keeping that secret was hard work.
since then, i’ve gone back to crossfit, gone back to school, started this crazy online dating experiment. i mean people — watch out.
and seriously, i need to blog about my online dating experiences. probably no surprises, but seriously, what’s wrong with people!?
this week i started a three week dietary reset/cleanse thing which i feel really positively about. though i admit to having a cup of coffee today — and for the record, it wasn’t as good as i thought it was going to be — guess i showed myself.
so my dear interwebs, as i work to destroy my own boxes… wish me luck in the revolution.
I don’t know about you, but I get so frustrated when I feel someone hasn’t given me a chance. I obsess. I suppose it is because I feel like, from what they see, I am not worth the effort of getting to know. And that hurts. And it’s frustrating. And sinks me. Because how can you MAKE someone give you a chance?
And so I let myself be hurt, and I let myself wallow - and it’s all over someone who doesn’t care enough to give me a chance. None of this is new to the core people that follow me and cringe at me and, somehow, still adore me. But there is something new here, there is a lesson to be learned (for me), there is a lot of positive in the negative. Here is what has me thinking…
Why in the fuck do I so sadly lament being shortchanged by someone else - but not lament shortchanging myself?
Again, it comes back to the simplest of concepts: if I can’t cook dinner for myself, how can I expect to be able to cook dinner for someone else?
If I can’t step outside the preconceived notions of what I think I am, how can I expect someone else to do the same?
If I don’t give myself an honest chance and try (and unicorns aren’t real), then why should I expect to succeed?
Look - it sucks to be sad. It sucks to be hurt. It sucks to fail. But within each of those - there is opportunity.
I just depends on what perspective you take, because in the worst feelings and lowest moments - there is a kinetic energy. Some times it is harder to find, but it is there. And if you focus on finding that thing which will ultimately launch you forward, as opposed to that horrible feeling of falling, well - there is a lot of good waiting for you when you finally release yourself from that shit which drags you down.
Nothing about it is easy - earning something is the reward for hard work.
It doesn’t mean you’ll never get sunk again. It just means that when you sink - there is so much opportunity to grow.